Charity work should be fun. Not overwhelming.
You couldn’t be more right. I’ve never wanted to quit something so badly in my life, except maybe the time I worked at a racist grocery store when I was 16. I’m so overwhelmed right now that I can’t even sleep at night because I’m so tense and stressed out, and it’s all because of some bored assholes who felt like hacking my pathetic little websites that hardly generate traffic or money. Seriously. A nonprofit short fiction magazine, a music magazine, an artist’s portfolio, a small antique furniture gallery, and a crossfit blog for a small suburban town? Just this has caused me over 8 months of stress and hundreds of dollars of my own money just trying to clean up code and trying to prevent it from happening over and over again. TO WHAT BENEFIT, YOU ASSHOLES?! I didn’t do anything to you and I couldn’t possibly help you steal any money, there was no money exchange there in the first place! Now I can’t even focus on the real work that those clients need because I’d rather stab my own eyeballs out of my face than have to deal with any of those projects. Not to mention that the developer who agreed to help me build those sites fails to ever answer any of my questions and I’m left to fend for myself on the client brunt end of complaints as well as just trying to maintain simple code issues—and I’m just the designer in this scenario. My job should have been completed when the sites launched. I even paid out of my own pocket just to entice the developer to help me in some cases! I’m not just working for free, I’m paying to work on these projects that are killing me. I don’t know what to do or how to get out of it without being an asshole but I’ve seriously had enough at this point. I’ve become the type of person I hate because I allowed myself to rely on someone else and now I have to carry their weight and I’m just too tired. It’s not fun or fulfilling anymore.

Please don’t tell me you’ll do something for me and then fail to deliver. Just don’t bother telling me about it at all so I don’t waste my time waiting and inevitably being disappointed. Sure intentions matter, but if you don’t have the means to do it why mention the idea and create friction that shouldn’t exist?

can it cut paper?

This morning I learned how to and sharpened my chef’s knife. It was much more satisfying to learn a new skill and apply it than getting ready for work…

I’m cooking the last of the meat in my house. I don’t plan on restocking my kitchen with meat again after this.

This wonderful gentleman bought me the most beautiful and unique promise ring I could have ever hoped to receive. ♥ It was handmade in Portland, Oregon by lumafina.
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This wonderful gentleman bought me the most beautiful and unique promise ring I could have ever hoped to receive. ♥

It was handmade in Portland, Oregon by lumafina.

motivation

It comes in waves and I have to remember to not be so hard on myself when things seem to move at a snail’s pace. I feel more at peace when everything is calm and still; I can be content without so much as a smile.

I got a promotion today… ^_^

Be uncomfortable; be unsatisfied. It’s the only motivation that will push you forward and to do better things.

I’ve been a coward lately. Today, I’m going to change that.

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I need to remember it, and remember it well. I seem to have the most trouble following my own rules.

I’m in Seattle!

Realizing a childhood dream, no matter how small, is an amazing feeling! I know it may seem silly but ever since I first watched the movie Singles, I’ve imagined living and working in Seattle. It wasn’t just Seattle that I dreamed about, but it was that time in my life when I was young enough to dream about being an adult. Working as a 20-something barista in a coffee shop or as a professional in an office seemed so far out of reach, so far in the future! Since that day many years ago, I’ve watched the movie countless times; I’ve worked in a handful of different coffee shops; and today?! I’m working in a downtown Seattle office as a professional!! I never would have imagined this to ever happen. Even if this is only happening for a month, I made my dream come true. I wanted to work in a coffee shop when I was younger and so I did. I wanted to live and work in Seattle and now I’m here.

I haven’t stopped smiling since I landed. Every single little thing I’ve experienced here in the past 48 hours has been amazing to me. However insignificant this all may seem to someone else, I couldn’t be any happier than I am right now. This is my life, after all, and I’m the only person who can live it.

showing emotion shouldn’t be a sign of weakness.

An observation from last night

People sure have something to prove and I’m just not interested.

I was just casually talking to a friend-of-a-friend and the conversation went in progression from work/school, where we’re from and what we like to do. In terms of work he told me he’s an aerospace engineer. I asked where the market is for that kind of skill here in Austin so he corrected himself to say that he’s a student. Somehow we got to talking about Houston and he said he hates it. He then told me he’s in a band with the guy standing next to him (having a separate conversation) and told me they play shows at Stubb’s and other larger places and other cities. I said I knew a few people in bands and he kept asking me who they were before he would tell me the bands he plays with. He insisted in a way that felt like he was trying to one-up me. I don’t know!! Does it fucking matter?! They play music and they love it and that’s all I really care to see about it. I’m not really the kind of person who will sit there and brag to you about every little detail I know about something. I don’t need to prove my life to you, stranger. He can gloat all day long about what he thinks is important about himself but it certainly made me quite bored and pretty annoyed, especially when he put me on the spot like that. I mean seriously, if you’re passionate about something, you don’t brag about the exposure it gives you. I’d like to think you’d share with people how much you enjoy it.