Stop working so hard to impress other people in order to win their money. Do something because you genuinely love to do it.
Why are we taught to focus on what makes each of us unique? Why are we taught to seek out what makes us different from one another? I feel like there is more power behind the idea that we are all connected by our numerous similarities, throughout our communities and across the globe. I feel like we would be less hesitant to help each other, it would be less common for us to turn a blind eye, if we were more able to feel the connection we have to each other. We build walls around us with thoughts of being different, special, better or worse from the next guy. This not only keeps us distanced from people but leaves us trapped in ourselves, competing with the world and lost in insecurity.
I remember a time when I would savor every sip, cherish every word, celebrate every moment…that was touched or associated with a specific origin or meaning. (Think back on your first crush, everything that person did was amazing, right?) The catch is, I created that meaning. Everything in our lives have value that we create within ourselves. Sure, someone can tell you it has a certain value but you are the one who decides to agree to accept that value. In other words, you have the power to also denounce or ignore it. I’m not saying to be rude and argue or belittle it; simply, you’re not obligated to always agree.
I know I’m being rather vague and all of this could be misconstrued into a very long debate. This all means something very specific to me. You are free to interpret it as you please.
I guess my main message here was to stay that if something or someone has lost their meaning, you also have the power to bring it back and celebrate them again.
I tried for years, now, to earn your approval; to win your praise. I’ve admired you, complimented you, loved you…I looked up to you. I saw so much of who I wanted to be in you. But there was always a wall between us, one I couldn’t scale and one you couldn’t see through. I’ve been beating myself against it hoping you could at least hear me but you’ve always been looking off into the distance; listening for other things, to other people. I tried to share everything, hoping I’d get a similar response. I did everything I could to bring our worlds together but you wouldn’t budge. I lost sight of myself and I know I can’t continue like this. You tell me all of the obvious things I should know and for some reason I depended on you to reflect them back to me. I need to live for myself…and you would have told me that, if I asked. Thank you for the indirect motivation you’ve given me all this time but now when I look at you all I can see is the pain I’ve allowed myself to collect. Maybe I’ve misunderstood some things, placed too much meaning behind lightweight words, expected too much from your ignorance…but I have to try to understand those for myself as I’ve finally started to do today. I can only hope you’ve realized how important you’ve been to me, even if it can’t be reciprocated.
Why have I been trying so hard all this time to define and mold myself into what is “good” by others’ standards? Why haven’t I, instead, concentrated on what I think is interesting, fun, and solves problems effectively by my own standards? I’m starting to realize that nothing else will “gel” or make sense with me unless I agree with them. Regardless of how much I desire to make someone else happy, it won’t ultimately satisfy my own desire to solve the same problem in my own particular way.
This in no way negates the need or openness I have for others’ opinions, I’ve just come to realize that I haven’t been allowing myself to be heard, even within my own thoughts. Essentially, if I have no respect for my own opinion, how can I expect myself to effectively and empathetically listen to others?
Be more open and willing.
Be less afraid of the idea of failure.
I was lost inside my thoughts; lost inside a book. Somehow I was still aware that the F was stopping soon at 23rd St. As I stood up to get off, slowly refocusing my eyes toward the people who had collected during my commute, I realized how completely disconnected I was from everyone. I had no clue who they were or when they got on because I never bothered to look up and observe the activity around me. Dazed, my auto-pilot propelled me slowly out of the train and toward the exit.
I noticed a guy setting up to play his guitar in my periphery. Normally I would ignore this, even if I’m curious. But this time something in me yelled, “Why the hell shouldn’t you stop and listen if it’s what you want to do?!” so I swerved left, waited, and listened. It was beautiful. I wanted to just park myself cross-legged right in front of him and watch him play for the rest of my afternoon, completely ignoring the fact that people would either have to jump over me or dive into the tracks because we’d have blocked off the entire walkway. Alternatively, I just asked him if would be OK to take an Instagram video and we talked briefly.
Kaz plays for a world roots band named Brown Rice Family, whose name stems from the belief that one should live in a healthy environment and eat naturally grown food. I’m excited to catch their show tomorrow night, my last night in New York.
Then I discovered that they make SOAP, too! Aaron and I have been using only handmade soaps and have this ridiculous collection of handmade soaps from different shops around Austin. I can’t wait to try Brown Rice Family’s handcrafted soaps!
I’m still glowing from this serendipitous meeting. Not only that, it was at 23rd St., my real favorite number (most of you know it as 5, but that’s another story). It’s wonderful what I find when I’m not looking for something; when I just allow myself to flow with the life around me.
What am I searching for?
I don’t even know what my ultimate goal is. I just sort of
drift haul ass through each day with an obscene amount of tasks to do. I can’t even gather my thoughts to have a casual conversation, much less a meaningful one. I’m focused not only on what my hands seem to be doing but also on what will happen in the next half hour, the next few hours, the coming evening, the next morning, next week, next month…and what didn’t get addressed still exists in the back of my thoughts like an annoying, badged app bouncing in the OSX doc silently screaming for my attention. I’LL GET TO YOU EVENTUALLY, CALM THE FUCK DOWN.
I’ve done it again—overloaded myself. If I take a step back and just reflect on what I’ve done just in the past month or so:
- Started working out 6 days a week every morning before work for at least an hour, plus a 20-30 minute jog on Saturday mornings
- Completely reformatted my diet which requires more attention, dedication, and preparation beforehand
- Attended a 2-hour Agile evening class every Tuesday after work on the complete opposite side of town from home for 6 weeks
- Attended an all-day experience mapping workshop
- Started studying 日本語 every other Wednesday night after work
- Started Charleston dance lessons every Wednesday night, which occurs immediately after 日本語 lesson
- Design, customized, and launched a website for my friends’ film
- Got stung by a scorpion 6 times down my jawline, neck, and shoulder while I was sleeping (terrifying, painful, and traumatic experience!)
- Attended my first Kyudo/meditation lesson
- Ran my first 5k
- Camped on the beach for the first time
- @Work: Launched my first iPhone app
- @Work: Started on the Android version
- @Work: Wireframed and oversaw a different, new app for a contracting partner
And upcoming is going to New York for a month to work remotely and attend 3-hour evening classes at SVA 4 nights a week.
I’ve done a lot…but what have I actually accomplished? What will I accomplish in the end? Am I giving myself enough time to appreciate the lessons learned? I’ve met a lot of very inspiring and helpful people along the way these past few weeks, but I hardly even give myself enough time to breathe. I think my social skills are suffering because I’m more focused on tasks rather than the people around me.
The first step is to identify the problem, right? I just need to learn how to manage my ravenous quest for knowledge down to smaller, bite-sized portions that I can chew slowly, savor, and enjoy. And then give myself time to be able to sit back and reflect on it.
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platinum & diamond.
He asked me on our anniversary; on one knee, under the stars on the capitol lawn where we had our first date. :3 It’s the exact Satomi Kawakita ring I wanted; elegantly understated, dainty, and most importantly small enough to keep me from hurting myself.
Don’t expect a big deal to be made of this by me, nor should a formal wedding thing be expected. I haven’t really announced it, but I had to share it somewhere. ^_^
I’m pretty sure I belong in Seattle.
Note to self or to anyone who feels this might apply…
When you complain/worry, be content to have the luxury of even considering those things. No, I’m not saying to “count your blessings,” I mean that you should probably realize what a spoiled piece of shit you sound like.
I can’t stop daydreaming … I don’t think I’ll have this any time soon but I can’t stop wishing for my house. Maybe it’s because I’m stuck at home more often now. Maybe I’ll put together mood boards for each room like this one for kitchen/dining. The kitchen is the most important part to me because I’d like nothing more than to be able to have people over and we can make fun things in the kitchen together and just hang out and eat/drink. Secondly to that, I’d like a lovely outside area, especially since Austin’s weather allows for that 90% of the year. Every other part of the house would be fairly open and minimal because I’d rather not spend a lot of time doing nothing … I have a really hard time doing that in the first place.
A little collection of memories from 2006
I miss the feeling of hope for the future I had those days, like I could accomplish anything. Why do I feel differently now? I still enjoy reading in coffee shops and doodling stupid things in the grass.
That trip to Boston, however insignificant it might have seemed back then, continues to reintroduce itself to me to this day. I decided on a whim to attend a conference, alone, in a city I’ve never been to before because I saw an ad in a magazine sprinkled with illustrations of teapots and typography; kind of random. It was one of those acts of mini-rebellions I go through every few years; like my random 2-week trip to NY when I was 17 and my most recent 1-month escape to Seattle. I seem to always take off by myself with no real objective. Hmm…but every trip has had the reward of meeting the most amazing people who stay in my life for years and even if we lose touch, the lessons I learned from those experiences and adventures live on with me.
And I miss Monica! And our coffee dates and discussions of what we would become in the future. Are we where we thought we would be today? What have we lost and what have we gained? What have we kept and how have we changed?